I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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