my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
