she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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