when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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