if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
