I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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