apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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