I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Holy shit dude........stairs
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
