I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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