and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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