Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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