Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
