worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
