im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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