I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize