Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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