i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
