Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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