I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
