i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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