You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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