billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
