just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
