im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize