woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
