What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
