i was born a porn star she said
my shit smells like andre
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
