fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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