I'd wear matching sweaters with you
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
