just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
