She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
