apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
