where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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