Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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