I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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