Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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