ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
