the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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