Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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