I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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