My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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