there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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