Taylor Swift is so right about you.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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