I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
