your room smells of hookers.
And success
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
