I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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