Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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