nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
