I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
