Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
