Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
