____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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