I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
