yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
