i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
