Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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